Stemming from a discussion yesterday with David about grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, which we jointly believe to be one of the hallowed food combinations:

There are some foodstuffs that, although their general disposition is unpleasant or worse, are required for the appropriate creation of such edibles, and their omission is a violation of sanctity.

Par example: Kraft Singles. Or, as my mother and my small nuclear family used to call them, ‘plastic cheese.’ Unpalatable on their own and actually frightening, a bit, they are absolutely necessary for the construction of a bona-fide grilled cheese sandwich.

There are a few other American staples which must be had in their original, patented form.

• Heinz ketchup: Do not feed me Hunt’s or, God Forbid, plain-label ketchup. And don’t call it catsup either; that’s a breach of ketchup principle.
• Tater Tots: Ore-Ida Ore-I-won’t-eat-‘em.
• Top Ramen: Maruchan just doesn’t hit the MSG-and-fried-noodle spot.
• Triscuits: Exemplify what David would describe as the perfection rule of tri-ingredient snack foods: oil, grain, salt.